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Prudie on husbands who write books
A Slate reader writes in to Prudie:
My dear, highly educated husband has written a book. While he has many talents, writing isn't among them. He paid someone to edit the book, which helped it somewhat, but it's still awful. I've gone through it as well and cleaned it up the best I could without completely rewriting it. The problem is my attitude—I don't feel it's my place to crush my husband's dream but find it hard to just sit there with a smile on my face while he goes on and on about how life will change when he's a best-selling author. It's not going to happen. I realize that at one point a publisher (or a stack of rejection letters) will make the point without me doing so, but I'm not quite sure how to act now. I love him and want to be supportive of him following his dreams, but I don't want him to waste his time. Do I stand by and lie, or break the news to him somehow?
For Prudie's answer, and Trudie's answer (remember Trudie?), you must look under the fold...
Trudie chuckled when she read these two sentences from Prudie:
I can't tell if your husband's fantasies are sweetly pathetic or disturbingly delusional.
...and...
You don't need to crush your husband—you're right, the marketplace will take care of that task...
The highly egalitarian Trudie believes that everyone deserves a chance. What would Immanuel Kant's wife (it is no accident he didn't have one) have said about his draft of Critique of Pure Reason? Trudie offers the husband -- if he can be located -- the following deal, maintaining his anonymity if he so wishes. I'll read the manuscript, or at least try to, and tell everyone what I really think.
Posted by Tyler Cowen on December 12, 2008 at 02:03 PM in Books | Permalink
Comments
Wow, I'm not sure I could stay married to someone who didn't tell me I was in the process of writing a terrible book. That seems like a tremendously selfish act: To value the image of being a kind, supportive wife over saving a loved one a very significant amount of hardship.
But then its no accident I don't have a wife either.
Posted by: Grant at Dec 12, 2008 2:19:30 PM
Wow, I'm not sure I could stay married to someone who didn't tell me I was in the process of writing a terrible book. That seems like a tremendously selfish act: To value the image of being a kind, supportive wife over saving a loved one a very significant amount of hardship.
But then its no accident I don't have a wife either.
Posted by: Grant at Dec 12, 2008 2:19:54 PM
Trudie has a good point. What if he is a good writer, and his wife just has poor taste (or at least taste that is out of sync with the mainstream)?
Posted by: Doug at Dec 12, 2008 2:26:03 PM
post the book online and let's vote
Posted by: DW at Dec 12, 2008 2:27:36 PM
Why doesn't she just say something like: "Well honey, you know that it's very difficult to be a successful author. Most authors don't actually get published, and most published authors don't become successful. So I don't want you to get too ahead of yourself here. Let's not fantasize about what it'd be like for you to become the next J.K. Rowling. Also, you need to think deeply about the fact that, just as a statistical matter, your chances of success are low. If you want to write a book for your own satisfaction, that's great; just don't write a book because you think it's a good way to become wealthy or famous. Your odds are just too low."
This way she keeps him grounded in reality without actually criticizing his book.
Posted by: blabla at Dec 12, 2008 2:32:10 PM
There is a rather important datum missing in this:
does this husband have a regular job that puts the
food on the table, etc., or is writing this book a
full time occupation while the wife must do the
providing for the household (or are they independently
wealthy so that this is not an issue, which does not
seem too likely, given the husband's dream of a
bestseller, although some of the rewards of a bestseller
are non-monetary, prestige and attention, and all that).
In any case, the wife's concerns become a lot more serious
if she is carrying the weight of providing for the household
while indulging the husband's dreams rather than this being
essentially a hobby into which the husband may have invested
much of his ego, either stupidly, or possibly brilliantly,
if indeed the wife is an ignoramus.
Posted by: Barkley Rosser at Dec 12, 2008 2:33:51 PM
I'm remembering that Joyce had to rewrite "A Portrait of the Artist" from scratch after burning most of its original version "Stephen Hero" after an argument with his wife over whether it would ever be published.
Sturgeon's Law suggests that the dude's book probably is crap, but I don't know that I'd trust my wife to make that decision for me....
Posted by: Bg Porter at Dec 12, 2008 2:49:56 PM
Having a spouse who is a writer, I know from experience this is no easy task. My partner showed me a script he was working on once and I tried to gently critique it... the result was that he didn't want to ever show me anything he worked on again. I tried to advise like I'd advice my students - non-judgmental and constructive - but still he was kind of devastated (though he didn't tell me so at the time, I had to figure that out after the tenth time of being put off when I asked to read something ... we worked it out, but anyway).
The problem is that critiques coming from loved ones - justified or not - really sting. Even if they're less informed than an editor's critique they burn a lot more, and it's a lot harder to discount them. (Because let's face it, most decent writing gets rejected too - it's a small amount of (relatively) spectacular stuff that ever makes it into print.) Honesty is a good policy, but caution is warranted. Yes, the marketplace will take care of it, too, but the take-away is that mixing business and pleasure aren't always a good idea.
Posted by: Renee at Dec 12, 2008 2:50:16 PM
My wife has refused to read my book because she doesn't want to trash my dream. What she doesn't realize is that even if she hates it, and tells me so, two things won't change: I will continue to love her and I will continue to write.
Posted by: Dan at Dec 12, 2008 2:50:40 PM
My wife is very critical of writing. I am not writing a book, but her mother wrote one and got it published. The writing is horrific, and my wife can't stand reading it. So she is trying to be polite and evasive. We'll see how long that lasts.
Posted by: babar at Dec 12, 2008 2:59:45 PM
oh, and one more thing. be thankful that your husband isn't trying to be a painter (you will have to look at his work all the time) or a jewelry maker (you will have to wear it).
Posted by: babar at Dec 12, 2008 3:01:30 PM
Thrilled Trudie is back!
The wife should let the husband do what he wishes in this case. Time is there to be wasted, if not on writing a book, it would be on something else.
Posted by: Yan Li at Dec 12, 2008 3:04:31 PM
"someone who didn't tell me I was in the process of writing a terrible book"
There's a name for people like this...wives.
For god sake...constructive criticism?
The first book is supposed to suck. In fact, maybe we shouldn't even publish people's first books.
What exactly is this thing that works exactly right the first time, I need to go do that, my wife is getting impatient with this whole risk/reward proposition.
Actually, my wife is good, but I can tell it's a struggle.
Posted by: Andrew at Dec 12, 2008 3:16:56 PM
A lot of how to approach this depends heavily on what she has already told him.
If she has been making up compliments and telling him things like "No, I really do like it," well she has her work cut out for her. She can keep lying and hope the market destroys his dreams as suggested by Prudie. But this can lead to the result that her husband will fall back on her every time he needs affirmation. Having witnessed it myself, I have seen men continue down obviously futile paths because there was a woman telling the man that they believed in them despite more rational reasons to stop. The end result being they become possibly delusional and codependent.
If Trudie hasn't been lying she can always go with the "It's not really my kind of book," or some such. Unless of course it is and then you can't use that.
Best advice is sit him down and level with him. It might turn into a mess, but it will probably be better than if she doesn't. Who knows, maybe it will lead him into something he actually is good at.
Posted by: apostate at Dec 12, 2008 3:21:43 PM
Who was it who said:
"The hardest thing for a writer's wife to come to terms with is that when he's staring out the window, he's working."
My theory is that academia pretty much came into existence to legitimize window gazing to wives.
Or, maybe we should thank all the wives who have kept a lot of crap off the shelves.
Posted by: Andrew at Dec 12, 2008 3:23:15 PM
As an editor, I can tell you that many manuscripts suck.
I can also tell you that there are occasionally break out hits that experienced editors rejected.
What husband does NOT want to do is get a slew of these books printed and then have them smoldering away in a garage or warehouse for many years. Best to try print on demand and see if he sells any.
He should also consider joining the Independent Book Publishers Association and attending its annual confab.
http://www.ibpa-online.org
That will be either an eye opener or he will get enough good ideas to make an honest go of it.
But, in the end, there are tens of thousands of books published EVERY YEAR that sell less than a few hundred copies....
If he is employed full time and this is a hobby, I say go for it. If wife is supporting him so he pursue this, she is very much in love, stupid, or an enabler.
Posted by: at Dec 12, 2008 3:36:49 PM
I second Prudie, plus Yan Li and blabla's comments--the wife should do what she can to keep the guy's expectation reasonable, and then let the market decide who's right. I've never written a book, but if I did I'm not sure I would expect my wife to like it. Furthermore, there are plenty of awful books (or books which I think are awful, if you prefer) that get published and make a lot of money.
Does Michael Bay's wife like his movies? Does she have to?
Posted by: d.cous. at Dec 12, 2008 3:38:58 PM
Why doesn't she just say something like: "Well honey, you know that it's very difficult to be a successful author. Most authors don't actually get published, and most published authors don't become successful. So I don't want you to get too ahead of yourself here. Let's not fantasize about what it'd be like for you to become the next J.K. Rowling. Also, you need to think deeply about the fact that, just as a statistical matter, your chances of success are low. If you want to write a book for your own satisfaction, that's great; just don't write a book because you think it's a good way to become wealthy or famous. Your odds are just too low."
This is about the most condescending thing I've ever heard. I'd leave my wife if she talked to me like that. If he's avoiding other responsibilities (i.e. quit his job to write a terrible book) that's one thing, but if not--and the letter doesn't make any indications of that being the case, I think it would be a horrible spouse who felt it was their job to throw cold water on the excitement of their partner, regardless of how unwarranted that excitement is.
Posted by: TW Andrews at Dec 12, 2008 3:51:22 PM
Just because a book is terrible, doesn't mean it won't become a bestseller!
Posted by: RZ at Dec 12, 2008 3:57:14 PM
"the wife should do what she can to keep the guy's expectation reasonable"
Anyone who strives to keep their "loved ones" expectations reasonable when they are trying to do something very tough should re-examine their understanding of the phrase in quotes.
Instead, this wife needs to accept the possibility that maybe, just maybe, she is not the intended market for the book. After all, there are markets for everything...
Posted by: Tom Hanna at Dec 12, 2008 3:57:18 PM
I think she would have mentioned the sole breadwinner thing if that was the case. Since she didn’t, I assume this is a hobby of his and she doesn’t like it for other reasons.
For one, even if his book doesn’t get published, I’m sure he derives some amount of pleasure from writing. After all, how many people have thought of writing a novel and didn’t follow through? I think you have to enjoy writing a little to complete a task like writing a book, even if it sucks. Everyone fritters away leisure hours doing something they enjoy without ever seeing any payout. I’m sure this guys wife spends a good deal of time in front of the television. Should he tell her it’s a waist of time?
I’d also like to know her background? She cleaned it up the best she could, but couldn’t do more without rewriting the whole thing? What makes her qualified to judge or edit writing? Since she doesn’t mention it, I’m assuming she isn’t.
I don’t think she is being honest. I think she wants him to stop writing, now, for reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of his work.
Posted by: ahf at Dec 12, 2008 4:02:20 PM
Well, the bookshelves are chock full of badly written bestsellers. One mans tripe is another mans book of the month. James Patterson, the Twilight series, and its not like Harry Potter is the work of a literary genius.
Just cause she thinks it stinks doesn't mean it won't sell. Why are we assuming she has any taste at all?
If the dude finished a novel, any novel, that's a hell of a thing. Writing well is a process that takes a long time, shivving the dude in the back just because his first novel isn't good is counterproductive. As long as he isn't emptying the 401(k) to self-publish the thing, its really none of her business.
Posted by: toxic at Dec 12, 2008 4:35:36 PM
Whoa -- I doubt this woman wrote in with the hope of being thrown in front of a firing squad. I think if the husband is betting too heavily on this being a part of his/their future, then yes, this would be an issue for her. Imagine, gentlemen, that your very pretty but not movie-star-attractive wife did nothing but spend her time standing in front of the mirror and talking about how exciting it would be when she became a famous model? Harmless? Sure. Annoying? Probably. Should you tell her that she's not good looking enough? No. Should this wife tell her husband he's not talented enough? (And since she made no mention of his previous publications [short stories, for example], an agent, or other indication that he's taken steps to make this a reality, chances are he likely doesn't have the chops.) No. She shouldn't. Because like some people above mentioned, what is painful but palatable from a professional editor or agent is utter misery from a loved one. It's a less than ideal situation, but time will sort it out most likely.
Posted by: bookie at Dec 12, 2008 4:47:36 PM
she should just tell him it's hopeless and it will never work! have him enact the finale from Auto-De-Fe for a kicker;
Posted by: Mr. Beefy at Dec 12, 2008 4:59:45 PM
If my wife told me honestly that she thought something I wrote wasn't so good, I'd take it on board. Better that she's honest than phony. I would appreciate and expect some support from her anyway, but that doesn't mean she has to *like* my work. If I were so sensitive that I couldn't accept her being less optimistic than I, maybe I haven't got thick enough skin. Maybe she's right, maybe not. Maybe it doesn't even matter. But at least she's secure enough to level with me.
I'll take the honest wife, with a healthy dose of TLC. Never forget the TLC.
Posted by: Johann Sebastian Bach at Dec 12, 2008 5:42:31 PM
