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The decay of gratitude
[Francis] Flynn asserts that immediately after one person performs a favor for another, the recipient of the favor places more value on the favor than does the favor-doer. However, as time passes, the value of the favor decreases in the recipient's eyes, whereas for the favor-doer, it actually increases. Although there are several potential reasons for this discrepancy, one possibility is that, as time goes by, the memory of the favor-doing event gets distorted, and since people have the desire to see themselves in the best possible light, receivers may think they didn't need all that much help at the time, while givers may think they really went out of their way for the receiver.
That is from Robert B. Cialdini's fascinating Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive. Cialdini's earlier Influence remains one of my favorite social science books. Here is a link to Flynn's paper and related work.
Posted by Tyler Cowen on June 17, 2008 at 07:01 AM in Education | Permalink
Comments
Gratitude has to decay, especially if it's a favor that can't be reciprocated in kind or in magnitude. Otherwise it would hang around the neck of the favor recipient like an albatross, a burden, an itch that can't be scratched, perhaps even a source of resentment.
Very often a favor is merely a catalyst. If I lend you a bit of money so you don't need to drop out of school, and then you go on to graduate and have a successful career, can I really take credit for all of that, or was it mostly your own hard work?
Gratitude should be very much like mourning: a short period of strong feelings that fade when you feel ready to move on, although you might pause every once in a while and remember.
Posted by: at Jun 17, 2008 10:52:51 AM
How does this intersect with Ben Franklin's advice that to ingratiate yourself with someone, ask them to do a favor for you and they'll come to believe they did it because they like you?
Posted by: Noumenon at Jun 17, 2008 11:48:59 AM
Not sure which version of Cialdini's book I have (it would be either British or Dutch), but the cover closely resembles that of the paperback copy of "Inner Economist" available in the Netherlands. Coincidence?
Posted by: Joseph Logan at Jun 17, 2008 1:14:18 PM
Thanks for the pointer. I had not heard of Cialdini before, so I appreciate the recommendation. If Tyler charged a nickel for every book he recommends, he would have amassed a huge fortune by now! (And well-desrved too.)
Posted by: Enrique at Jun 17, 2008 5:36:00 PM
It's also interesting how gratitude will decay if the same kind or helpful act is repeated several times in quick succession. For example, if you're walking through a series of doors (Maxwell Smart comes to mind) and hold each one open for someone behind you, you can expect a hearty "thanks" the first time. Every time after, though, the response is less enthusiastic.
Posted by: Will at Jun 17, 2008 9:27:58 PM
A great deal of this has to do with our evolutionary history in small bands. Humans, in hunter-gatherer mode, rarely lived in groups larger than 150. Thus you knew "everyone" that existed. Reputation was very important to success in the band. Hunter brings in a large antelope. Shares with unsuccessful hunters. They feel the need to share back. If they do not share back quickly, the pressure to share decreases the ability to hunt. Thus the albatross mentioned in the earlier post. But if the one who shared "forgets" that he shared on a regular basis, he loses out in the evolutionary game because people do not feel compelled to pay him back and he fails to remind them. Those who developed in this manner continued to breed, those who did not, did not breed as successfully. Thus we are as humans are.
Posted by: techreseller at Jun 20, 2008 10:41:35 AM
Question:
Being in an academic department, the internal economy is pretty much based on doing favors. I've noticed that there is some resentment involved in favor-doing. Also, in some situations, who is the favor doer and who is the recipient is murky. Sometimes both people feel like they did a favor. For example, when a graduate student searches out a good deal, and the professor provides the money for a supply, both feel like they did the other one a favor. Now, if both feel owed and are not repayed, both will be worse off. Should you, as the student, go out of your way to show the professor that you really owe them for them going way out of their way in funneling the taxpayer money to you?
Posted by: Andrew at Jun 25, 2008 9:50:32 AM
