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Why don't American kids respect their parents more?
First, you are welcome to challenge the premise that there is in fact less respect for parents in the United States. But if it were true, what might be the possible mechanisms?
1. American parents have less time to discipline their kids, in part because women are more likely to work, wages are higher, and there is a general rush and hurry.
2. American culture is less closely tied to the entire notion of hierarchy and respect, whether or not kids are in the picture.
3. The American divorce rate is relatively high.
4. Balance is difficult, and a tipping point requires that someone be in charge. In America that is the kids, although the underlying reasons for this difference may be quite small.
5. America is saturated in mass media, and that culture encourages the independence of the child, most of all because children are prime viewers of TV and drivers of Nielsen ratings.
6. Americans are more mobile, and thus less likely to live near grandparents, support structures, and other mechanisms of norm enforcement.
7. It is simply a time trend. Americans are ahead of the rest of the world but everyone else is catching up. Give them time, it's just like how we will all come to resemble California someday.
8. "In America it depends on how parents behave and whether particular parents deserve to be treated with respect. Parents don't get respect automatically just because they are parents." I'm not going to tell you who said that one.
9. Some other notion of American exceptionalism.
Your views? Google appears to yield few answers to this question or even attempts at an answer...
Posted by Tyler Cowen on November 26, 2007 at 07:03 AM in Education | Permalink
Comments
#8 Reminds me of a bit from George Carlin's stand-up act. Bravo Tyler. Bravo.
Posted by: J Ross at Nov 26, 2007 7:48:21 AM
(10) For kids the opportunity cost of obeying parents has gone up -- there are more alternatives to doing your chores than to walk ten miles into town or play with sticks which increases the cost of obeying, while emerging norms against domestic violence and child abuse mean that the cost of non-obeying is lower.
(11) There is no such trend. Everyone likes to idealize a past time of obedience and respect, but this is really just reporting bias.
Posted by: Grant Gould at Nov 26, 2007 7:52:07 AM
Today's kids have parents that grew up in an era devoted to challenging authority. Since the parents don't respect authority, why would their kids respect parents?
Posted by: Tom Kelly at Nov 26, 2007 7:59:36 AM
Excellent comments by Gould (10) esp and Kelly. I think Gould's point captures the economic
arguments quite well and Tyler's points capture the social norms aspect of it pretty well. I will
add that the growth of advertising always expands the electorate so as to speak. Why target only
the demographic 18-34 when one can go after the 8-18 demographic as well. And if you have to go
after them you have to sell them self-deception of some sort and for kids it generally tends to
come from being a rebel and from a feeling of being in control. No wonder most of the hit
children's shows play up these theme.
Posted by: sa at Nov 26, 2007 8:12:59 AM
As a parent of a two year old, I disagree with any explanation requiring than a two year old's experience of American culture.
I blame abundance -- my kid will never experience a world where the fridge and the TiVO aren't full and thus doesn't encounter the kind of natural limits kids in most societies experience.
Posted by: DK at Nov 26, 2007 8:27:25 AM
Well if they're anything like my generation, it's because our parents don't seem to care. Really. Or at least that's how perceive their lack of attention to what we do every day.
Posted by: Pearl Alexander at Nov 26, 2007 8:37:12 AM
The abundance, changing opportunity cost of women working, etc. explanations get at the delta of American family behavior -- why things have changed over time. They do not explain the level differences across cultures. Many of these same forces are at work for Asian-American families as well but a disinterested observer would note that in East Asian American households (immigrants from Korea, Taiwan, China, Japan, HK) there is more willingness to assert authority, more emphasis on saving face, more emphasis on familial duty, and less of a desire on the part of parents to be a "cool pal" who explains every request. Yes, Oriental Americans complain about assimilation and how Americanized their kids seem but I'm struck by how even third generation families have norms that differ on many margins from their fellow boomer or Gen X families who are White. It's not surprising that familial conflicts more closely resemble those of stereotypical jewish or italian families from the 40s and 50s.
Posted by: j at Nov 26, 2007 8:49:27 AM
The economic arguments are indeed part of the explanation, but I do think there is another set of factors that can help explain both the "delta" and the cross-cultural differences.
In the last generation or two, parenting, especially in the US, has become "over-psychologized," thanks to a kind of scientism on the part of parenting experts, and parents who accept such "expert" advice. What I mean is that parents have come to believe that nearly every action they take may have momentous psychological consequences for their children, e.g., if you don't potty train them just right and at just the right time, they'll be psychologically damaged for life. If you are too authoritarian in your discipline style, they'll reject you. You should always negotiate with your children as if they were competent adults rather than just saying "because I said so" and so forth.
All of this over-psychologizing has turned many parents into deer in the headlights, perpetually fearful of doing the wrong thing. You can then add to that a highly competitive society (here comes the cross-cultural piece) where parents also fear that if their kids don't get into the right daycare, they'll never make Harvard and thus be a failure. You can then add to THAT the fact that many parents live vicariously through their kids, where the child's successes and failures are a direct reflection on the parents, leading to the "helicopter parent/trophy child" phenomenon.
When you add all of that up, you have too many parents afraid to discipline and limit their kids, out of fear of going against expert advice, resulting in kids who don't respect their parents as much as they used to. And when the same parents are constantly trying to be their kid's friend and also bail the kid out of every bad situation (because children's mistakes mean, of course, they are bad parents), why should we be surprised that kids don't respect them?
If it is true that what children really want is stability and leadership from their parents, and not another best friend, should we be surprised that they don't respect parents who don't give it to them?
Posted by: Steven Horwitz at Nov 26, 2007 9:15:09 AM
Parents want to be friends, not authority figures, so they don't set behavior boundaries and maintain consistency with disciplinary actions. We should all learn from Supernanny.
(I don't really believe this problem is a new one.)
Posted by: Pete at Nov 26, 2007 9:18:12 AM
"It is simply a time trend. Americans are ahead of the rest of the world but everyone else is catching up. Give them time, it's just like how we will all come to resemble California someday."
well, Japan, South Korea, Thailand tell a different story... catching up/caught up, children still give value to parents.
I think your assumption is true. One of my US friends used to say "the US social life is screwed" due to some of the factors mentioned above. May be he is true! The culture of respect is eroded!
Posted by: Chandan at Nov 26, 2007 9:26:18 AM
Europeans also have more respect for "Professors", more respect for paternalistic policies, more respect for scientists. Maybe Americans just question themselves more, maybe parents in the US don't respect themselves as much and kids pick up on it. It remains to be argued whether "respect" is a good thing. Hayek talked about respecting certain traditions that evolved with time, but creative destruction and progress imply some kind of disrespect at its root. So it's not clear.
Posted by: Unit at Nov 26, 2007 9:26:41 AM
I'd say divorce but not for standard reasons (psychological torment, eg). Divorce distributes the burden and also the joys of parenthood, thus creating a situation where children are more in demand and parents find themselves competing for children's approval, flipping the traditional family power dynamic on its head. Would also predict that, for similar reasons, Japan's dearth of youngsters increases disrespectful behavior. Certainly, popular stereotype confirms this.
Posted by: Alexa Blue at Nov 26, 2007 9:46:36 AM
A related issue, why are people taking to home schooling in astonishing numbers? Its amazing how colleges frantically market to pick up decent students (home schoolers) these days. I have faculty ask me to locate such for their classes..
Posted by: edwardseco at Nov 26, 2007 9:52:28 AM
Perhaps Americans buy into "rugged individualism" more than others across the board. They even tolerate it among their children, and view it as more of a positive characteristic where other cultures view it as a source of shame. (Lack of) Respect for kin seems to be a related concept. Really, who wants to be tied down to the restrictions and ideas of your parents or relatives?
Posted by: shecky at Nov 26, 2007 9:58:17 AM
It seems to me that the (us) boomers split in parenting, half were
relatively traditional and half were "do your own thing" types.
Add to that the river of filth in the popular culture and I can see
why the parent-child relationship has changed.
I am optimistic however, the pendulum may be swinging back.
Posted by: save_the_rustbelt at Nov 26, 2007 10:02:22 AM
Not all kids lack respect for their parents. I am familiar with several teenagers who love and honor their parents, and who also respectfully disagree with their parents. And they are allowed to disagree with their parents without anger or bitterness.
- abundance: many children have too many things given to them with no household responsibilities, ie., chores, from a young age
- specialness: many children are told from a young age how "special" they are, how beautiful, how unique, etc. children need to be praised for hard work and tenacity.
- self-esteem: related to "specialness". Most children are bursting with self-esteem, but have nothing to back it up.
- entitlement: related to abundance and specialness. Like welfare recipients, why would a kid who is given everything without working for it not feel entitled.
- bad role models: parents who are not respectful of others can not hope to have children who will respect others.
- inexperienced parents: the first two children are the hardest to raise. It a gets a lot easier, and better, after the first two children.
The kids I have met who are the most respectful are those who are 1) home schooled, or 2) those who have been treated respectfully by their parent(s) with an expectation that the children will treat others, including their parents, with courtesy and respect. Children see how their parents behave, and they model that behavior.
Posted by: chug at Nov 26, 2007 10:37:42 AM
Women working? Oh, come on. Isn't the idea of the mother staying at home a relatively new phenomenon anyway (like, the 50s)?
And women are more likely to work in America than in Europe? Is that what the comparison is? I just want to be clear because I wasn't sure I understood.
Posted by: Emily at Nov 26, 2007 10:41:04 AM
Indian kids respected their parents...but, globalisation and nuclear families are making children to disobey their parents.
Posted by: GVV at Nov 26, 2007 10:43:22 AM
Lot's of good answers, but I'd go primarily with (2). I spent a few years as the only American in an otherwise all European organization, and one behavior that really stood out was the Europeans' exponentially higher respect for authority, particularly academic/government. One of the primary political differences between the US and Europe (maybe I should say "and the rest of the world") lies in the relative effectiveness of appeals to authority in political argument.
Whether there's been a decline in respect for parental authority here in the US is a different matter.
Posted by: J at Nov 26, 2007 10:45:52 AM
For #5, it would be more accurate to point to marketers and advertising.
Successful advertising requires convincing consumers to try and buy new things. Part of that process includes subtly undermining the authority of anyone who questions the need to do so. That includes parents, although advertisers have to be careful nowadays not to offend the large boomer demographic. More often though, it is a male figure who is portrayed in ads as hopelessly out of touch, which reflects that fact that the overwhelming majority of routine household purchases are made by women.
Posted by: at Nov 26, 2007 10:49:44 AM
Congruent with other comments:
In the US there is much less of a common and established way of life. There is more cultural fragmentation, criticism, and competition. People are much less of a folk. The English language, the size and diversity of the country, and America's international cultural penetration extends and opens the relevant community. In the US, in cultural matters, fewer things, particularly deeper existential things, are common knowledge. In matters of identity, there is a greater openness. All this gives kids more uncertainty about who they are/should be. They are more faced with the challenge of "who am I to be?" Also, they have more to draw on in analyzing their parents' worldviews.
All these things, too, may make the parents more inclined to control and hold on to their children's identity, because the parents too feel more lost existentially. They are more inclined to use their children to sustain an identity for themselves. That is, American parents might be more worth pushing away.
Along with the lesser respect for parents comes another American characteristic: greater creativity and originality.
Posted by: Daniel Klein at Nov 26, 2007 10:51:29 AM
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this yet:
The overabundance of political correctness nowadays. I saw an article last week about a parent who spanked a kid three times getting arrested, tried and convicted of assault. At least some parents are afraid of this sort of thing happening to them (I know I will be) and as such will be much laxer parents than they would have been otherwise.
Without discipline and rules that can stick at home, I think the above result is obvious.
Posted by: Joel F at Nov 26, 2007 10:52:58 AM
One thing is curious, the notion that lack of respect for one's parents is a bad thing. Such characteristics have been generically bemoaned by every older generation since practically forever. And as far as the US is concerned, the negative results are not clearly correlated. Is there any evidence to suggest that US prosperity has suffered, or will suffer, as a result of the lack of respect for American parents by their kids?
The notion of respect may also be somewhat broad. There's a difference between not going to law school like Mother wants you to, and keeping her tied up in the closet, cashing her Social Security checks cigarette money. Even good American kids are disrespectful of their parents by some standards.
Posted by: shecky at Nov 26, 2007 10:54:07 AM
The American achilles heel is the need to be loved rather than to be respected. Acting on that priority results in a kid who neither respects nor loves you.
Posted by: ricpic at Nov 26, 2007 11:17:36 AM
This sounds like one of those bad US Today "trend" headlines like "We're shopping more but hugging less" or "Cats said to be part of families now."
Posted by: JPC at Nov 26, 2007 11:21:59 AM
