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When to say "I love you"
No, this question applies not at the beginning of the relationship, but after a few years or more. Sure, you love the person but this is economics and we think at the margin. Why did you say "I love you" right now rather than two minutes ago? I can think of a few reasons:
1. Anxiousness and a desire to reassure oneself in the face of self-doubt.
2. Irritation at the other person, leading to #1.
3. Desire to manipulate the other person by first making him or her feel compliant and secure.
4. Being overcome by suddenly stronger feelings of love, perhaps because of a Proustian reminder.
5. The simple feeling that too long has passed since having said "I love you," presumably combined with the belief that the words are uttered rarely enough to still have potency. You need to signal you are keeping track of such things.
6. The sex was either very good or very bad, see #1 and #4.
7. One has work or chores to do, and is hoping to create a distraction of some kind.
8. To announce that a conversation is over.
Natasha asks whether in a marriage one hears "I love you" more or fewer times than is optimal. We both think "fewer" is usually the answer, although given the low cost of generating the message, and the possibility of reaping gains from trade, it is not entirely clear why this equilibrium persists.
Posted by Tyler Cowen on November 18, 2007 at 06:24 PM in Philosophy | Permalink
Comments
I told my wife the day I married her that I loved her and that if I ever changed my mind I'd let her know. Once seems to be enough for me.
Posted by: PB at Nov 18, 2007 7:05:17 PM
Why such an equilibrium? The Battle of the Sexes, of course.
Game theory is nowhere near complex enough to being to deal with this topic yet, but we all know what it means.
Posted by: Enda at Nov 18, 2007 7:06:27 PM
I probably say it too much.
I've gotten into a habit of saying it before I go to bed. But I try to say it at random moments too (#4). Which often concerns her.
Posted by: thehova at Nov 18, 2007 7:12:04 PM
Value in scarcity.
Posted by: Paul at Nov 18, 2007 7:12:39 PM
How about:
8. After watching your spouse get through another day dealing with kids or whatever for 12 hours straight, snapping a bit, but basically handling everything really well, simply acknowledging your ongoing respect and admiration for her?
People withholding words of affirmation to a performing long-time partner seem kind of stuck in junior high.
Posted by: gorobei at Nov 18, 2007 7:17:31 PM
You forgot the most important reason: dimples.
Posted by: Alison at Nov 18, 2007 7:29:49 PM
I suspect also that there is something of gift theory involved in it too: I say I love you to hear it back.
I also think scarcity increases the value of it, as with all things, so less often than is optimal is, in fact, optimal.
Posted by: Katie at Nov 18, 2007 7:34:11 PM
It may not be costly to say "I love you" *once you've already thought to say it*, but it might well be costly to say "I love you" if one must expend resources remembering to say it.
On top of this, one can't just habituate one to saying it at regular times, for then it loses its force. One must get used to say it at the *appropriate* times and that takes quite a bit of energy for many people.
Posted by: Kevin at Nov 18, 2007 7:35:10 PM
How often? More than you do.
Posted by: J. at Nov 18, 2007 9:14:17 PM
Katie: But in that situation wouldn't social norms, that expect someone to immediately reciprocate, render such a motive baseless (or at least a symptom of #1 - you are testing the waters)?
Tyler: How you would modify your list for a familial (or similar) relationship? By extension, it would seem important to define what the actual signaling is intended to accomplish before attempting to define an optimal pronouncement/interaction ratio.
Also, and somewhat of more interest personally, when is the best time to FIRST say "I love you", excluding immediately after (or during) sex?
Posted by: David Johnston at Nov 18, 2007 9:25:14 PM
What an easy question: In the morning before heading out the door for work make sure to say it in German. Before dinner or over a drink, say it in French. Whispered during a movie say it in Japanese. At the appropriate time say it in English, one word at a time, as... you... kiss... her.
But if you want to make the point and an impression at the same time don't say it. Look her in the eye and tell her you care about her, think about her every day in ways that make you smile like you've done something wrong, and that you really, honestly like her. Really.
Posted by: The other Eric at Nov 18, 2007 9:50:27 PM
Well, in my opinion, too many posters here discount the effect of a habitual "I love you".
For those of you who seek the purely authentic, from the heart, existential, ground breaking, earth shattering (etc.) "I love You", your missing out on the joys of the simply, habitual, "I love You".
And when you enter into the state of marriage, its a given that your in a constant state of Love. so don't be cheap in expressing it.
Posted by: thehova at Nov 18, 2007 10:06:12 PM
Katie - perhaps saying it less does increase the value of each time you say it...until of course, the opportunity to say it is no longer there. If that happens you'll realize you did not say it enough, and wish you had.
So much for an "optimal" number of times.
Posted by: Samir Nurmohamed at Nov 18, 2007 10:58:10 PM
When should you say you love someone?
When dLove/dt = zero.
(Stolen from xkcd)
Posted by: TJ at Nov 18, 2007 11:00:33 PM
It should be said and heard often enough that it's an automatic reflex.
Save the "so much"s and the "really"s for special times, should you need it.
Posted by: Macneil at Nov 18, 2007 11:03:26 PM
9. You've given them stamps as a gift.
Posted by: David at Nov 18, 2007 11:56:38 PM
Incidentally, while I insist that "You're beautiful when you're cooking for me" is a compliment, I was promptly informed that it is not.
Posted by: dWj at Nov 19, 2007 12:00:08 AM
I always say I love you when I mean Turn out the light (and I say Let's run away when I just mean Stay the night).
Posted by: Stephin at Nov 19, 2007 12:44:44 AM
You know how they say that poetry is that which is lost in translation? There seems to be something lost here as well. It's as if you're reading a foreign book and trying very hard to understand it but alas, its language is foreign so the best you can do is go with the translation. You enumerate all the reasons but the biggest, maybe even most common, most plausible one.
Posted by: notsneaky at Nov 19, 2007 2:09:09 AM
"whether in a marriage one hears "I love you" more or fewer times than is optimal"
Since each partner is the only one who can say "I love you" to the other partner under current social norms, it's a monopoly - we get underproduction just like you'd expect.
Posted by: dr. zeuss at Nov 19, 2007 2:21:15 AM
Then what does it mean that Americans say it orders of magnitude more often than Europeans? (Attributing this to #6 would be too cheap... ;-)
Posted by: Oreg at Nov 19, 2007 9:55:00 AM
Saying I love you is cheap and has high potential gain if it is true. However, there is high potential loss under certain circumstances:
-non-reciprocity from partner
-interpreted as manipulation by partner
-inappropriate expression indicating lack of empathy/care for partner(e.g. every 5 minutes, too publicly, etc.)
In language theory, it is similar to a request or even a question, in that it burdens the partner with an expected readiness to respond. In a solid marriage with zero insecurity, this is no problem. Anything less than that, and the anxiety decreases production.
Posted by: Rachel at Nov 19, 2007 11:38:14 AM
In reply to both the commentators and the post I'd like to point out that there is no one good under consideration here. It's not the case that we value those we love making a particular sound. Rather it's that we value them expressing certain meanings and sentiments.
Now, unlike most other examples of language use, saying 'I love you' in that way tends to be restricted to a small set of intimates. As people tend to put a fair degree of importance on this statement unlike most terms it's reasonable to assume that most couples share a private meaning for the term that differs significantly from that which other couples use. Sure different people may be pointing in the same general direction (I feel positively about you) when they use the word but the actual meaning they give to it can vary from, "Hey, nice to see you." to, "I'm overwhelmed with feeling for you," to "Thanks, you know I appreciate what you do for us."
Also I think it doesn't really make sense to critisize people who don't say it all the time as missing out on something or vice versa. Quite likely these couples have other phrases/forms of expression that fill these roles. How they assign these notions to sounds isn't really that important as long as they agree on it.
I mean I've never used "I love you" casually in any relationship but in every serious relationship I've had there was some other way I referred to or addressed the person that filled in the role that other people use casual "I love you"'s for and I assume the reverse is true.
Posted by: TruePath at Nov 19, 2007 12:33:59 PM
It surprises me that this discussion has carried on this far. Surely the entire argument is irrational as the benefits of the discussion cannot possibly outweigh the costs.
Posted by: Michael at Nov 19, 2007 11:48:25 PM
So as I am reading this post, I think of the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. A line in the song goes, "...those three words are said too much but not enough." Reading through those reasons for saying "I love you" makes me realize the validity of the song's statement.
People are so confused about love these days because we take those words for granted. Like the last reason--a way to end a conversation. We're so used to just saying this phrase after phone conversations that we forget the brevity of it. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend, and he always says I love you after our phone conversations. I've never said it back to him because I know he'll take it in the wrong way. Well, a friend had walked up while I was on the phone with him, and she looked like she was in a hurry. I was trying to get him off the phone so I could chat with her really quickly. So in his farewell, he of course said I love you and not thinking at all, I repeated it back to him. Midphrase, I realized what I was saying and tried to shut the phone really quickly so he wouldn't catch it. Sure enough, within minutes of our conversation, I saw him, and the first thing he said to me was, "Soooo, did you realize what you said when getting off the phone with me?" I tried to explain my reasons why, but now I realize that yet again--these words are so unappreciated because in my situation, it was simply a playback of what was being said to me.
At this, I just think of the wonderful phrase, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." I believe this would solve a lot of problems in our world today.
Posted by: 920222421 at Nov 20, 2007 12:29:53 AM
