Marginal Revolution: Why do parents talk with their childrens' friends?

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Why do parents talk with their childrens' friends?

As a teenager, some of my friends became quite chummy with my parents. But usually teenage children want their parents to stay quiet. Why might a parent wish to talk to other teenagers?

1. The parent seeks to estimate the quality, or at least the politeness, of the child's friends.

2. The parent wishes to feel connected to younger generations.

3. The parent is nervous and wishes to relieve the tension of quiet. And not speaking is seen as an abdication of parental responsibility.

4. The parent wishes to establish the authority to do something the child does not like.

5. The parent finds those children genuinely interesting.

6. The parent wishes to pretend a reasonable relationship with the peers of their child, either to feel involved or to pretend that everything will be OK.

None of these motives are popular with the sons and daughters of the conversing parent. If a put on my technocratic Paretian hat, this is sooner an activity to be taxed than subsidized.

Posted by Tyler Cowen on November 12, 2005 at 05:42 AM in Education | Permalink

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Comments

How about, "The parent wishes to glean information from the friends, looking for accidental info slips"

Posted by: pb at Nov 12, 2005 9:33:34 AM

My father has always talked at length and become familiar with pretty much all of my friends that he meets. It's not an issue of parentness for him. To him every other person is the perfect receptacle(victim?) for his logorrhea. His personality is so open and gregarious that he has befriended the grocery cashier that he has never spoken to by the end of his transaction.

Posted by: grant at Nov 12, 2005 10:37:02 AM

A least one set of parents of female classmates talk to me when I'm around because they want me to date their daughter.

Posted by: John at Nov 12, 2005 11:12:26 AM

My parents always talked to my friends for #1, to see if they were worthy of me. It was annoying, because some of my friends were a little awkward around adults.

Posted by: Will Franklin at Nov 12, 2005 12:22:54 PM

Taking pb's as #7, how about:

8. Parents are genuinely interested in their own children's lives, because they like knowing what their children do and/or because they don't like not knowing what their children do, and they consider knowing their children's friends to be a part of this.

9. Man is a social animal.

Posted by: Blar at Nov 12, 2005 3:09:31 PM

I vote for number 8 as well. It's related to 5, but "The parent finds those children genuinely interesting" is lacking in the same way as the other five of the first six. I think that there are some, hopefully many, parents, who are genuinely interested in treating others, including children, as people.

Posted by: hrh at Nov 12, 2005 3:46:29 PM

Another suggestion: The parents believe that it's polite to chit-chat with people who come into their house. Chatting with the child's friends not only fulfills the parents' politeness duty but also sets an example for the child.

Posted by: John P. at Nov 12, 2005 6:48:55 PM

#9 is a priori to be sure ... and the likelihood of communication over silence is therefore greater.

#8 contrary to the idea of parents being "genuinely interested" - with the growing number of prosperous households where
goods and cash have replaced attention, the feelings of neglect and alienation have been increasing (thus the rise
in drug use and suicides among well-to-do youth). Given that parents qua parents are not homogeneous, I would modify
#8 to say that most parents hopefully take an interest in what's happening in the lives of their children - and probing
some feedback from his/her friends, even in the guise of small-talk, is a means of discerning some facts that may prove
helpful.

Posted by: tom at Nov 13, 2005 5:54:06 AM

Other motivations that come to mind:

The psychological peer-parent syndrome - where mothers are trying to act and look like their teenage daughters, and fathers
live vicariously through the children's achievements (the 'frustrated jock' comes to mind). The "perpetual youth" phenomenon
- with all its nips-and-tucks and perky boob jobs - may have a lot to do with parents' mirroring their children.

With the material desire to keep up with and outdo the Joneses, a parent could be trying to get information out of their
child's friends about how their parents are doing, what they're up to, etc.

Cultural differences are a factor too - with some groups being gregarious, and others more stand-offish (and if a friend's
own parents are the latter by nature, he/she will get fulfillment from the other's more open parents - unfortunately, often
at the expense of one's own satisfaction of keeping peers and their interests apart from one's identity with mom and dad).

Posted by: tom at Nov 13, 2005 6:21:07 AM

(I don't have kids, but my little brother is young enough compared to me that I changed his diapers and checked his homework for him enough to basically be his third parent).

I'll talk as much as I can to his friends to see what kind of people he's chosen to associate with. I find them boring/etc., but I feel a strong urge to know what type of social decisions these kids are making.

Posted by: Fenton at Nov 13, 2005 5:05:52 PM

Another factor at work: parents are often not on the best of terms with their own children - and the children's friends often aren't the best of terms with their own parents.

Parents talk to their children's friends to test various aspects of this. ("Have I become a horrible person since my kid turned 15?" "Does this demographically similar teenager also think I'm a clueless old bore?" )

Posted by: 'As You Know' Bob at Nov 14, 2005 3:04:19 AM

How about just being polite.

Posted by: spencer at Nov 14, 2005 10:11:04 AM

I know that a lot of it can be an extension of parents' friendships with "your" parents (you being the friend) or that they want to see who you present yourself as when their child is around. I always end up being the annoying friend who everyone's parents like and bug their kids about, even though outside of the presence of their parents (and around my own) I am a lot less well-behaved... of course now that I am a college sophomore the issue comes up a lot less, but I have witnessed it happen up here.

I usually genuinely enjoy talking with some of my friends parents, also, because they have a lot of things to talk about that I haven't heard before... precisely because they are not my parents and may have new stories that annoy the heck out of my friends but that are fresh to me.

Posted by: Neal at Nov 14, 2005 11:22:56 AM

I vote for (5). And I question the premise that "usually teenagers want their parents to stay quiet." I was pretty close to some of my friend's parents when I was in junior high and high school. Part of the reason we were close is that I spent so much time around them -- at the house, driving to events, taking trips together, etc. Long term proximity creates a bond. If my friend wasn't home, some times I would just stick around and talk to the parents. Also, parents and (biological) children tend to be similar psychologically. I found that my friends' parents just happened to like talking to me, generally for the same reasons that their kids liked talking to me. And I liked them for many of the same reasons I liked their kids. We were a good personality match.

Posted by: Will Wilkinson at Nov 14, 2005 12:22:05 PM

When I was a teen, I greatly appreciated it when adults treated me as a peer. I think it's good for the self-esteem of teens, who spend a lot of time being told they aren't adults yet. When my children are older, I hope to converse with their friends because they are interesting people. And maybe they'll enjoy it too.

Posted by: Scott at Nov 16, 2005 4:23:15 PM

10. Many adults have not completely come to terms with the fact that they aren't 16 anymore.

11. Also, they're lonely

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